is it november yet? i am tired of being sick, tired of worrying and bad dreams. i am also nervous. i want my few friends to be excited, but i am not sure that they will be. i don't know why i care about behind-my-back judgments. i long for more friends at the same point in their lives that i am at in mine. they seem so hard to come by.

andy and i are getting married in two and a half days. 10/10/10. very few people know about it, and no one outside of our families seems all that excited for us. fuck it. i'm excited for us. when andy is asleep and i'm sitting up by myself i think and think about him, about how amazing he is, i get so overwhelmed by it that i want to wake him up and tell him but i never have the heart to wake him. he needs his rest.

i have quit smoking, quit drinking caffeine (mostly). i never watch television or listen to music lately. i feel very still and quiet.

this is where i want to spend my life.

tonight is one of those nights when i feel like a time traveler. a song or a scent or a sound or (seemingly) nothing at all will get into my head and suddenly it's two years ago, or four, or ten. i get overwhelmed by what was happening then, i am filled with it, with the music that i listened to or the way that the air smelled some past autumn, it becomes too real, too full, it pulls me away from now so thoroughly that i am just then. it is not usually a pleasant escape. it is confusing. it makes my throat ache.

there is this paranoia that creeps in and it eats away at my brain and fills my chest with cold sludge. my thoughts are like a cartoon mouse on a wheel, the mouse runs faster and faster and faster until it spins around and around in the wheel- but then it fucking explodes and keeping the remnants together is like trying to keep liquid in a blender with the top off. is this making any sense? i picture it like this: my head is the center, and my thoughts are branching out in all different directions, like a dandelion, only more violent than that. an exploding dandelion. fuck, how do i explain this.

i feel like there is a great big conspiracy of which i'm not a part. everyone knows something that i don't, and they laugh about how stupid i am when i'm not around.

maybe this is the sort of thing i should be telling my therapist.

i just sent my biological father a message on facebook. oh, what a world.