this is where i want to spend my life.

tonight is one of those nights when i feel like a time traveler. a song or a scent or a sound or (seemingly) nothing at all will get into my head and suddenly it's two years ago, or four, or ten. i get overwhelmed by what was happening then, i am filled with it, with the music that i listened to or the way that the air smelled some past autumn, it becomes too real, too full, it pulls me away from now so thoroughly that i am just then. it is not usually a pleasant escape. it is confusing. it makes my throat ache.

there is this paranoia that creeps in and it eats away at my brain and fills my chest with cold sludge. my thoughts are like a cartoon mouse on a wheel, the mouse runs faster and faster and faster until it spins around and around in the wheel- but then it fucking explodes and keeping the remnants together is like trying to keep liquid in a blender with the top off. is this making any sense? i picture it like this: my head is the center, and my thoughts are branching out in all different directions, like a dandelion, only more violent than that. an exploding dandelion. fuck, how do i explain this.

i feel like there is a great big conspiracy of which i'm not a part. everyone knows something that i don't, and they laugh about how stupid i am when i'm not around.

maybe this is the sort of thing i should be telling my therapist.

i just sent my biological father a message on facebook. oh, what a world.